God help me,
I feel like I'm about to crash,
Keep me trusting.
Keep me believing.
Keep me sane.
Keep me unafraid.
Slowly, without anyone's notice
I slip away privately.
To grieve.
To mourn.
To pray.
Then back to the rat race of family.
Help me Lord, I feel like I'm about to crash.
I bind fear in my mind but my stomach aches with anxiety.
My back hurts.
Head hurts.
Stress hurts.
Loud voices, I escape to my room.
Stomach twisting, mind spinning.
Demands of family.
Want this.
Need that.
Sign this.
Read that.
Schedules, mine's, everyone's.
Money.
Lack of it.
Owing it.
Saving it.
Blowing it.
My burden, in silence I carry, loss.
Fearful.
Feeling old.
Getting old.
Gracefully? No.
Help me Lord, I feel like I'm about to crash.
Drowning,
Treading water,
Going under,
Holding my breath when desperately needing the air.
Deeper and deeper.
Darkness,
Heaviness,
Swallows.
No way out, no escape.
Except You. You. Help.
Unto You, I cry O Lord
Pull me out of the depths and the debts.
Worry.
Umbilical,
Unbiblical,
Unscriptural, real
BUT, so is God - Real.
Provider.
Peace.
Love.
Faithful.
The Lord, my Harbor.
Safe.
Steady.
Support.
I want to anchor deep, overboard, in abandon.
Envelope me.
Keep me trusting.
Keep me believing.
Keep me sane and unafraid.
Only you can save me.
Only. You. Help.
My soul waits.
_______________*******_________________
I was overwhelmed with running a home. This didn't mean I was supposed to be anywhere else. It didn't mean it wasn't my calling. I truly wanted to be excellent at it. After some self care, heart care, hard prayer, hard work, time management strategies; all these put in place, proficiency came. Don't believe those FB and IG posts about moms having it all together. It's always a process but you see the victories.
I cried out of my desperation to God. He heard, He rescued and we made it through. He loves YOU just the same as He loves me. I'm nobody special, just a mom who did my best and trusted God for the well-being of my children. All of my own insecurities, fatigue-inducing, self-sabotaging thoughts and actions needed to be covered by the blood of Jesus. When I surrendered, that's when the water level subsided and my lungs sucked in air. Clarity returned and perspective shifted healthily.
God knows you. He sees you. Let me say it again. HE SEES YOU. His thoughts turn to you many times throughout your day. If you find yourself drowning or crashing, call out to Him. Forgive yourself. Draw the line in the sand, step over it and begin again. This time, with the strength of His might. There will be days you'll still feel like you're drowning, everybody has them, but wait...wait for the Lord. Hope and rescue comes.
Psalm130; 1-6
Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord;
Lord, hear my voice! Let Your ears be attentive To the voice of my supplications.
If You, Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with You, That You may be feared.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, And in His word I do hope. My soul waits for the Lord More than those who watch for the morning— Yes, more than those who watch for the morning.
God is FOR you.